ENCOURAGEMENT FOR PARENTS IN CUSTODY BATTLES
DEAR PARENT,
Whether you are in the beginning, middle, or end of a break-up and a child/children are involved, it is an emotional process unlike any other. I have unfortunately seen parents attempt to alienate the child(ren) from the other parent. They might use justifications such as: a new spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend they think is a better parent; they may not be receiving child support; or they may make false accusations of abuse. They may try to delay the court action. They may push buttons to make you feel angry and frustrated, all with the goal of keeping the kids away from the person they believe wronged them. If they could only know what devastation they bring to the spirit of a child when the child is deliberately alienated from a parent. It is easy to want to just give up when it seems like the legal system is on the side of one parent or the other.
Children need to be emotionally healthy and as far removed from the custody battle as possible. They also need the presence of emotionally healthy parents in their lives. Mother and Father may have different roles, but their roles are essential to the life of a child. Children need role models - positive ones - so they can become who they are supposed to be, mentally healthy, and form healthy relationships in the future - instead of toxic ones. This is not to say that there aren't exceptions if one parent is absent by their own choice from a child's life, or if a parent is abusive, etc. In which case the other parent has to do the best they can under those circumstances. In contrast, Parental Alienation is the absence of a parent from a child's life as the result of intentional deprivation of visitation and contact for selfish reasons.
If you are in the position of not being able to see your child (or cannot find your child because the custodial parent has moved or is hiding), or if you don't have the resources to pursue legal action, here are some suggestions for you: Keep a calendar to document every effort you make to contact your child. Keep phone logs and copies of phone bills to verify that you tried to call. Get cards and gifts for birthdays and holidays anyway, even if you are not able to give them to your child right away. Keep them for that day when you do get to see your child again. Even if you don't have all of the money to pay child support, pay something to the best of your ability. You want to show that you still want to be a parent and support your child, so your ex can't ask to have his/her new spouse adopt the child over your objection or without your agreement.
Don't ever give up hope that one day you can and will reconcile this. The court system can help you. However, the legal system is not the answer for every case. That being said, I believe in the court system and that many people can find justice. But, I also know that you can do everything right and still not win. That doesn't mean you should not try to file a Motion to Enforce your visitation, file a Contempt Citation or Motion to Modify, because these are part of the legal process to establish and enforce your legal rights as a parent. These are the only tools the legal system has to help you.
One day, you will have the opportunity to tell your child(ren) that you love him/her and did everything you possibly could do to be in their life. At the end of the day, take comfort in knowing that you truly have done all you can do to see your children, and know that you did not just give up.
Sincerely,
Tamra A. Spradlin
Whether you are in the beginning, middle, or end of a break-up and a child/children are involved, it is an emotional process unlike any other. I have unfortunately seen parents attempt to alienate the child(ren) from the other parent. They might use justifications such as: a new spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend they think is a better parent; they may not be receiving child support; or they may make false accusations of abuse. They may try to delay the court action. They may push buttons to make you feel angry and frustrated, all with the goal of keeping the kids away from the person they believe wronged them. If they could only know what devastation they bring to the spirit of a child when the child is deliberately alienated from a parent. It is easy to want to just give up when it seems like the legal system is on the side of one parent or the other.
Children need to be emotionally healthy and as far removed from the custody battle as possible. They also need the presence of emotionally healthy parents in their lives. Mother and Father may have different roles, but their roles are essential to the life of a child. Children need role models - positive ones - so they can become who they are supposed to be, mentally healthy, and form healthy relationships in the future - instead of toxic ones. This is not to say that there aren't exceptions if one parent is absent by their own choice from a child's life, or if a parent is abusive, etc. In which case the other parent has to do the best they can under those circumstances. In contrast, Parental Alienation is the absence of a parent from a child's life as the result of intentional deprivation of visitation and contact for selfish reasons.
If you are in the position of not being able to see your child (or cannot find your child because the custodial parent has moved or is hiding), or if you don't have the resources to pursue legal action, here are some suggestions for you: Keep a calendar to document every effort you make to contact your child. Keep phone logs and copies of phone bills to verify that you tried to call. Get cards and gifts for birthdays and holidays anyway, even if you are not able to give them to your child right away. Keep them for that day when you do get to see your child again. Even if you don't have all of the money to pay child support, pay something to the best of your ability. You want to show that you still want to be a parent and support your child, so your ex can't ask to have his/her new spouse adopt the child over your objection or without your agreement.
Don't ever give up hope that one day you can and will reconcile this. The court system can help you. However, the legal system is not the answer for every case. That being said, I believe in the court system and that many people can find justice. But, I also know that you can do everything right and still not win. That doesn't mean you should not try to file a Motion to Enforce your visitation, file a Contempt Citation or Motion to Modify, because these are part of the legal process to establish and enforce your legal rights as a parent. These are the only tools the legal system has to help you.
One day, you will have the opportunity to tell your child(ren) that you love him/her and did everything you possibly could do to be in their life. At the end of the day, take comfort in knowing that you truly have done all you can do to see your children, and know that you did not just give up.
Sincerely,
Tamra A. Spradlin